Christ, it's nearly October..

Cluedo was a farce last night.  Beryl refused to play with “that cheating bastard of a husband of mine” and Ted was more interested in the Ryder Cup, so Philippa and I may as well have stayed at home and played Scrabble.
Ted did crack me up at one point, as he always does. He was telling me about old friends of theirs called Ada and Barry who live in Leicester. Ada and Beryl worked together years ago and they’ve always kept in touch. Friday was Barry’s 80th birthday, so Ted called him up early and said “Happy Birthday! How are you feeling on your big 80th?”
And Barry said “I would welcome death” and hung up.
Ted says he’s always been a miserable bastard so why should he change now he’s old?
Anyway - next week they’re going to try and teach us to play bridge.
God help them. And us.

RC 30-9-12

Lovely lie-in; lovely life

I love that feeling you get when you wake up on a Saturday morning and realise ‘I haven’t got to be back at work until Monday’

I’ve suggested to Philippa that we think about doing house-sitting as a long-term project. David said that his company are often sending people abroad for six-month or one-year placements, and they tend to use an agency to find house-sitters. If the agency exists, there must be a market for the work, that’s my thinking. We’re in no rush to get our own house and start a family, so it suits us, and we’re managing to save a nice amount of money every month because we’re not paying any rent or mortgage, just bills. I’ve suggested we do it for the next two or three years so we can save up enough for a deposit, and then see what the house prices are like then.
Yes, dear reader, this is Rory making long-term plans!!!
I’m as stunned and as scared as you are, and I’m blaming it all on my bad cold….

RC 29-9-12

Am I in an episode of Dr Who?

My body seems to have been invaded by an alien force that is turning all my innards into thick green sludge. It’s been pouring out of my nose for a week now, and today I’ve started coughing it up as well. 

The weather hasn’t helped, nor has the onset of darker, longer nights. If you’ve been with me for the last few years, you’ll know I don’t deal with Winter very well. 
This year has hit me like a bastard as well - instead of the usual, gradual decline in the weather through Autumn, we’ve gone from late Summer to Winter in the space of a week.  And this is after a previous Winter that seemed to go on until the middle of July.  It’s September 26th and it feels like January 9th. 

Sod it, I’m going back to bed.

RC 26-9-12

I hate September hangovers

Have you seen the film ‘Inception’?
You know that bit where they’re in the first dream, and it’s pissing down with rain, and they’re getting shot at, and there are bullets flying everywhere, and there are cars crashing into each other, and suddenly a freight train comes speeding down the middle of the road, ploughing through everything in it’s path?
That’s what the inside of my head felt like this morning.
Next time I go to see Hannah’s band at a church gig, the only thing I’m drinking will be Holy Water.

RC 24-9-12

Rockin' li'l sister

Hannah was fab!
The songs were shit and they were all about being saved by Jesus, but Hannah was surprisingly fantastic and talented!
I’m feeling very proud, and a little bit drunk.
I might give up work and set myself up as a manager. Hannah can be my first client. The first thing I’ll do is get her to ditch this Christian rock group and set herself up as a grungy Goth-girl Norfolk rock-lady. We’ll hire some loud teenagers as a backing band, do covers of Kate Bush songs with a heavy metal under-twist and next thing you know she’ll be an international smash! Then it’s worldwide tours, a book deal, a film about her life and a long-running fly-on-the-wall reality show. Quids in! Give it five years and I’ll be living in luxury on a Caribbean island, where the hardest work I’ll do will be to transfer funds from my royalties account and take it out from a cash machine.
Right, that’s settled - I’m off to write my resignation!

RC 23-9-12

The Return Of The Weekly Games Club

Ted had me in stitches tonight. He was really on form. We were playing Monopoly for a while and he was cheating his arse off. His main aim for the evening seemed to be to bankrupt Beryl. She took it with her usual good grace and humour, right up to the point where she threw the Top Hat at him and stormed off to get herself some gin. 
Next week we’re playing Cluedo instead, and Ted’s already talked to me about ways we can collude and conspire. He said “I love beating Beryl at board games. It’s the only time in her life when she loses control and gets angry. I love it when she’s like that!”
So my prediction for Cluedo next weekend is that the murder will be committed by Beryl, in the kitchen, with the chopping board.

RC 22-9-12

Autumn? I call it bore-tumn

It’s so bloody dark in the mornings now when I leave on the early shift. I nearly ran over next door’s cat today because it’s black and was sitting in the driveway. TheLoveMachine’s headlights take a few minutes to warm up so by the time I could see where I was going I was two inches away from splatting little Moggums into pieces. It wouldn’t have bothered me too much if I killed it, to be honest. It’s a pretty ugly cat and his owners are a bit snooty so we haven’t spoken much. 
I need to get the heating looked at in the camper as well. Summer seems to have buggered off in a hurry and it was 5 Celsius this morning at 4am. It’s bad enough going to work in the first place without having to do it in darkness and in a jumper.
As you can see, my ‘positive outlook’ didn’t last too long!
The good news is we have lots to look forward to this weekend. I finish work at 2pm tomorrow, then we’re off to Ted and Beryl’s for a slap-up tea and a big game of Monopoly, then on Sunday I get to see Hannah’s band in action at last!  They’re playing from 3-5pm at a big church event in Norwich. Not exactly Glastonbury, but at least we’ll be home in time for ‘Countryfile’.

RC 21-9-12

Up

I feel slightly better today. I’m still full of snot, but my head doesn’t feel like I’ve borrowed it from a scarecrow, and the burning pain in my throat has finally subsided. I may have mentioned this before sometime, but I really am not fun to be with when I’m ill.
So today I’m trying to be positive and happy and to prove the point, I have a glass of water on the table in front of me that is DEFINITELY half-full.

RC 20-9-12

Such a disappointment

Philippa took me out for a meal last night.  She came in to find me sniffly and moany and said “What you need, my boy, is a damn good curry.”
So we went to a nice-looking pub near the river and I ordered a nice-sounding chef’s curry special.
You know those places where what is advertised isn’t quite what’s delivered?
The waitress brought me a plate full of curry sauce with one piece of chicken, almost as if it was added as an after-thought.
It looked like a bowl of soup with a crouton in.
We didn’t stay for dessert.

Today I still feel full of cold, and I also have a stomach ache. Still - it was a nice gesture, so thanks sweetheart..

RC 19-9-12

Weep for me.. (please)

I’m still languishing in the throes of a cold.  I drank so much Lemsip yesterday I’m amazed my piss doesn’t smell of lemons. 

RC 18-9-12

Late Summer colds are worse than the Winter ones

I’ve had a really awful cold for the last three days. I tried to get out of work by saying “I don’t think I should be anywhere near food” but they just said “You’re right - we’ll find you stuff to do in the office.”
Bastards.
I’m on the early shift tomorrow so I’m going to have a hot bath, a hot toddy and a hot blanket and curl up on the sofa watching “Inspector George Gently”
I’d like to write more but I’m just far too weak to keep typing……

RC 16-9-12

haiku on a theme

Philippa wants kids
Maybe not today, but soon
Not sure I agree…

Why rush to have kids?
We should enjoy each other
For a good while yet

This is not our home
We can’t start a family 
In a borrowed house

I like films and food
I’m not interested in
nappies and dummies

I’m fine with marriage
But it frightens me to think
One day I’ll be ‘dad’

RC 12-9-12

Smiling in the Sunshine

It’s amazing how much better people’s moods are when the weather is bright and summery. Everyone I saw at the weekend was contented, cheerful and chatty. Maybe we should use Lottery money to fund a project where we find a way of transporting the British Isles into the Mediterranean.  I’m sure everyone would be nicer to each other if our climate was warmer. I also think less of us would be on medication for blood pressure, aches and depression.  We’d also make a lot more money from tourism because we’d have sun-chasing holidaymakers all year round, rather than just in August. People would have less time off work with colds and flu, and we wouldn’t have to worry about the roads grinding to a standstill every January just because we’ve had a couple of inches of snow. I suggested this idea to Philippa, Ted and Beryl today and I got called ‘an idealist’, ‘an idiot’ and ‘a twat’ but I still say this is a campaign worth pushing on with.
Who’s with me????????????????????????????????

RC 11-9-12

Rude awakening

Philippa and I slept in the tent on Saturday. The weather had been glorious again and we both had Sunday booked off, so we found ourselves a campsite near the beach. It was pretty busy, even though the kids are back at school now. I guess holiday prices are so expensive when the schools are off that many families can only afford to go away during term-time.
A funny thing happened at about midnight. Well - it was funny for us, but not for the guy involved. There’s a bar on the campsite, and quite a few people were ‘hitting the sauce’ most of Saturday evening. There was no crazy, loud or raucous behaviour, but a few of them had obviously had a good skinful because there was some strange singing and some comedy walking going on when the bar kicked out at 11.
Now, I don’t know whether the hero of our story had an argument that he wanted to settle, or whether he was just so pie-eyed he was confused, but at midnight he got out of his sleeping bag and used the tent next door as a urinal. 
The guy who was asleep in there woke up in a hurry when it started pouring in through his air-vent. I heard words that you don’t hear often on a family-friendly campsite, believe me. We also heard giggling coming from the other unaffected tents. Lots and lots of giggling……

RC 10-9-12

September updates

Our experiences this week have put me in a very strange head-space. I can’t help wondering what I could achieve if I really put my mind to it, and wondering whether it’s time to consider a career change.  I feel like this quite often though, so I’m trying not to over-react and make any silly decisions, like telling work to go stuff themselves or something.
My epic nonsense poem is coming along nicely. Well - each verse has four lines and I’ve written three verses in just over a week, so I guess you could call that ‘coming along’
Hannah and Nathan are having a few problems. She’s taken to the rock-and-roll lifestyle with vigour and he doesn’t approve, even though she’s in a Christian rock group and it’s more ‘tea and prayer’ than ‘sex and drugs.’ I’m sure they’ll sort it out because they’re great together but at the moment she’s a bit like a grumpy schoolgirl and he’s a bit like a moping Moses.
I’d better get on with some work now. I’m typing this in the office and I should really be processing holiday forms……

RC 8-9-12

Life in Perspective

It's not often you experience something that can be defined as 'life-changing' 
For me, the only occasions that really fall into that category are my mum walking out, and then the night I kissed Philippa. 
Apart from that, most of my time on this planet has been a boring, angst-ridden repetitive slog. 
And then I spent two days at the Paralympics. 
Due to a ticketing mix-up (which I admit was mostly my fault) we had to change our plans slightly. I thought we were going to be in the athletics stadium for the morning session on Tuesday, but it turned out our tickets were for the evening. So we had to make a choice between sticking with the train home we’d booked and missing out on the session, or hanging around for the evening and getting home at 4am. 
My God, did we make the right decision. 
We were in the stadium Tuesday night when David Weir won gold in the 1500metres. What an atmosphere. I've never experienced anything like it, and I very much doubt I ever will again. 
As we walked out of the stadium I said to Philippa "I bet your sore ankle doesn't feel so bad now" and she said "Yeah, and I bet you never moan about piles after cycling again" 
And this, after already being treated to a night of wheelchair basketball on Monday. 
48 hours on and I still don’t know how to begin to put it into words.
At work last Friday I was moaning about a sore back and hot feet. 
Today I just shut my mouth and got on with it. 

RC 6-9-12

4 months til New Year's Day..

Weather-wise, we had one of the best Augusts I can remember. Days of thirty degrees, nights too hot to sleep in, and long hours full of hot, sunny skies. The Good Old Traditional British Summer of Rain and Greyness was cast aside in favour of proper beautiful sunshine.
The last few days, however, have seen the ‘other side of Summer’ rear it’s ugly head again, come back with a vengeance and try to make up for lost time.
It started raining on Wednesday at about midday and it’s been shitting it down ever since. I hate to say it, but it’s feeling decidedly Autumnal.

RC 1-9-12

God, I'm such a failure

I forgot to post an 18th blog in August, so my challenge of doing the same number of blogs every month in 2012 has been blown out of the water. What a shitter.  You might say “Don’t worry - you can do it in 2013” but that means I have to wait another 16 months before achieving my ambition. I feel like I’ve wasted the whole year now. The annoying thing is I actually had one written and ready, but then I got distracted by Philippa and her damn sexy body and the next thing I knew it was 2am.  I’m gutted. I don’t know what to do with myself. Do I now write 19 in September, so I keep the average at 18? Do I leave August as the exception that proves the rule, and make sure the other 11 months have 18 posts? Do I just give up on the idea and write when I feel like it?
The last option might not be a good choice, as I haven’t really felt like writing much at all in the past couple of weeks. That’s not why I messed up in August, though, I just took my eye off the ball and thought with my penis instead of my posting fingers.
I am very unhappy with myself and I’m not sure what I can do to make me feel better.
I think I’ll go for a walk, have a big drink, take Philippa back to bed and then start all over again and write another post later on.
Yes, that seems like the right thing to do….

RC 1-9-12