We're ready!!

I brought home all our Xmas groceries in the Love Machine. Bearing in mind there aren’t many of us, we’re spending most of our time out of the house, and the shop re-opens Boxing Day anyway, I’ve gone a bit mad. But sod it- it’s Christmas, and isn’t ‘going a bit mad’ the whole point??
In case I don’t blog in the next few days:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

RC 23-12-11

Rory's Xmas Haiku 2011

Christmas is coming
I’m as happy as a child
and drunk as a skunk

Philippa and I
Cooking Christmas lunch for two
I really can’t wait!

Midnight Mass in church:
Religious people line up
to eat their saviour

Turkey and stuffing
Make a gorgeous gravy meal
But a crap sandwich

My challenge this year:
Eat enough mince pies to kill
a pride of lions

RC 22-12-11

a little list

TEN UNTRUTHS ABOUT CHRISTMAS:
(and I made these up all by myself)

Father Christmas no longer lives in Lapland. In 1997 he decided he was ‘too old for the cold’ and now lives in a thatched cottage in Warwickshire.

The smallest decoration ever made is a bauble the size of an atom.

For Christmas lunch on Christmas Island, they always have roast reindeer

If you take the number of Christmas number ones achieved by Cliff Richard, and multiply it by the number of inns that turned away Joseph and Mary, you get the total number of drug addicts my mum has had Christmas Eve sex with

There are 10 different ways to say MERRY CHRISTMAS in Finnish, one of which is ‘Buttelly Lopski’

Dr Who actor Patrick Troughton played the Harrod’s in-store Santa for a total of 71 years

In the year 2237, Christmas Day will fall on April the 23rd

It’s a tradition at Buckingham Palace that the toilet roll in the Queen’s private bathroom is red throughout the month of December

The record TV audience for a programme shown on Christmas day was achieved in 1977. It was a yuletide special of ‘The Morecambe and Wise Show’ hosted by Noel Edmonds, and starred a young Margaret Thatcher blacked-up in a sketch as a stripper.
It was watched, in the UK alone, by 117 million people.

There is a National Union Of Elf-Baiters

RC 21-12-11

5 days left on the advent calendar

Got my shoppin done! Or at least planned. I’m going to buy everyone a selection of things I know they’ll like, rather than go for something big and risk them not even liking it. And I’ll do it all at work, so I can get a 10% discount. And I shall call it being economical and efficient, even though others might call it stingy and lazy.

I’m getting really excited now. Philippa and I are both working Christmas Eve, but then we’re both off work til the 30th. Hannah is with Nathan’s family on Christmas Day, so Philippa and I will have lunch together then all meet up at Ted and Beryls later. Boxing Day we’re with Philippa’s folks, then Sophie and Tamara arrive on the 27th. The more I type about it, the more I think about it, and the more I think about it the more excited I get!

I’ve just watched some clips of Hannah’s drama show on her college website. I missed it on Friday because I was working, and I missed it on Saturday because I was nursing Philippa. She was really, really good! I’m so sorry I missed it and I’ve vowed to myself, and to her, that I will never miss another performance.
Now I have to buy a panto ticket for January…

RC 20-12-11

Panic on the streets of Chesville

At 4.55 this afternoon, I suddenly realised that I haven’t yet bought any Christmas presents.
How the hell did this happen?
I was making plans and writing lists back in October, how have I ended up so disorganised? In the past it wouldn’t bother me, but I’m in love now, and I care about my sisters, and I want to get them all something meaningful, instead of just my usual “that’ll do” presents.

Tomorrow’s my last day off until Sunday, and the rest of the week at work will be busier than a Liverpool A&E department, so I’d better get as much done as I can.
If you can help me with any suggestions for the following, I’d be eternally grateful if you contact me:
Present for my girlfriend (she’s sporty and gorgeous)
Present for my older sister (she’s tall and a nurse)
Present for my older sister’s girlfriend (she’s also a nurse, and has beautiful eyes)
Present for my younger sister (she’s dramatic and emotional)
A card for each of the above
A week’s worth of food for each of the above
Presents for Ted & Beryl
Presents for Ted & Beryl’s family

Should I buy my pets a present? I never have before, but I’m getting increasingly sentimental in my dotage. What do you buy for a cat and some goldfish? I could just give Gerald the fish to eat, then I wouldn’t have to buy them anything beyond a headstone.
God, I’m losing it. I’m gonna have a coffee and spend all night shopping online.

RC 19-12-11

chesty

Philippa is still hacking, coughing and hawking. (yes, I’m aware that sounds like a lawyers firm)
Most people in Norfolk seem to have flu, a cold or a chest infection. The pharmacy aisle at work has almost sold out of Lemsip, and every other person I know is on some kind of antibiotic. We may be in the grips of a global recession, but anyone owning a drugs company must be raking in millions every second.
She looks so cute with her crimson nose. I’ve been keeping her warm and medicated, and I’ve bought enough soft tissues to last a lifetime. She keeps saying she’ll show her appreciation when she’s better, but I can honestly say that making her feel less miserable is all the reward I need.

RC 18-12-11

excuses for not writing

I’ve been ridiculously busy at work, and nursing Philippa at home. She picked up some horrible flu bug thing and hasn’t been out of bed much. I hate seeing her poorly, but I’m enjoying being her nursemaid. I even offered to dress up in a uniform for her but she just mumbled ‘maybe when I feel better.’
This is my first time dealing with a supermarket Christmas rush while being part of the management team. It’s bloody stressful. Trying to judge just how much extra Elmlea we’ll need in December has been keeping me awake for nights on end. Then I have to deal with confused old women asking me where the Sainsbury’s sherry is, to which I have to reply ‘Probably in Sainsbury’s love. Maybe you should try there.’
Every night I come in exhausted.
I want to feel more Christmassy, so tonight I’m going to cuddle up with Philippa and watch ‘The Polar Express.’ I can’t afford to turn the heating up, so I’ll take advantage of her temperature to keep myself warm.

RC 16-12-11

haiku, then philosophy

Busy, busy me
Christmas time is nearly here
and the worlds gone mad

People lose control of themselves when they're Christmas shopping. I swear I've seen old women elbowing each other aside in the aisles because they think the clotted cream mince pies are running out. Chaos. I thought Christmas was a time of good cheer and love and friendship? Not in my shop, it isn't. I think we should go back to the old Victorian ways - give each other token presents and concentrate on a good lash-up instead of bowing to commercialism. Actually, the way the economy is dangling by a thread and clinging on by its fingertips, we may have no choice. By this time next year, so they say, we'll all be unemployed, living below the poverty line and asking the EU banks for a bail-out.
I say close the curtains, shut out the news and the weather, and cuddle up close to the one you love.

There. I have spoken.

RC 12-12-11

apologetic haiku

I've not been blogging.
I have no excuse at all;
I've just been lazy

RC 11-12-11

Frosty atmos..

One of Philippa’s friends invited us over for a ‘dinner party’ last night. There were eight of us (four couples) and most of us hadn’t met before, so we played some ice-breaking games and drank some wine before sitting down for a nice meal. It’s one of those events that I would have repelled from in the past, but I find myself enjoying them with Philippa. All in all it was a very nice evening.
Until..
After Irish coffees, we played a game where everyone had to write down 5 words which best describe their partner. You also, on another piece of paper, had to describe yourself in 5 words. Then we all read them out and if one of your words for your partner matched what they’d written themselves you got a point. The couple with the most points would win a bottle of champagne.
The words I put down for Philippa were BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, KIND, TALENTED, SPORTY. The words she put for me were CARING, MOODY, LAZY, LOVELY, LOVABLE.
One of the other couples were a bank manager called Tim and his stay-at-home wife Samantha. When she had to read out her 5 words to describe him, she’d written “He’s a big fat c**t”
I don’t think she’d quite grasped the concept of the game, do you?
Philippa and I came second, by the way.

RC 3-12-11

Most wonderful time, etc..

Happy Advent Day!
I have a Transformers calendar this year. I also have a Barbie one that I bought Philippa, only to be accused of sabotaging her pre-Christmas diet. So today I opened two doors, and got chocolate interpretations of ‘Bumblebee’ and a tiara.
I can’t decide what to get Philippa for Christmas. I’d like to get something from work so I can use my discount card, but that feels a bit unromantic. She tells me my present is ‘already bought, wrapped and hidden.’ Bloody women and their forward planning and their love of shopping. Maybe I’ll buy her a life. (If you’re reading this, darling, I’m kidding…)
I’m in charge of food shopping this year. I’m gradually ferreting away ‘damaged goods’ from the warehouse at work. So far I’ve brought home a 12-pack of Stella with only 10 cans in, a large box of broken chocolate biscuits, and a frozen ham that (in my opinion) was far too bruised to be sold.

I love December
But don’t want to write haiku
So I’m going now

RC 1-12-11