Ring of truth

Philippa wants us to start boxing. It’s good for fitness apparently. There’s a gym nearby that you can train at without having to actually fight.
It’s a lovely idea, but I can’t forget that the last time she wanted us to do something together it was get tattoos done…. So following that form, if I say ‘yes’ it probably means I’ll end up getting my teeth knocked out.

RC 29-9-11

It could be you, but it WON'T

I know I've gone on about this before, but I really think the National Lottery is one of the worst things ever to happen in this country.
People have given up trying to improve themselves and aim for a better life. Now they just sit in front of the telly twice a week waiting for their numbers to come up, and their dreams to come true. They’re spending a huge percentage of their earnings on hope and all they have to show for it are slips of paper in their wallets and disappointment every Wednesday and Saturday. (or 5 times a week if they do EuroMillions)

In times past, pensioners with gambling problems were hidden away in bookies, now they’re in front of me in the queue everytime I pop to the corner shop.

Now I've got that off my chest I can hopefully sleep in peace.

RC 28-9-11

Dribbles

Ted is worried about his prostate. Every time he pisses, he tells me, it’s like trying to squeeze water out of a dry cloth. Beryl wants him to get it checked by a doctor but Ted says ‘I don’t want some Indian teenager ramming his fingers up my arse like a butcher’
I don’t get it either, but I decided not to ask.

RC 27-9-11

Some lists for late September

THE 3 BEST THINGS TO LICK OFF A NAKED FEMALE BODY:

Squirty cream
Cold custard
An entire melted bar of Jumbo Fruit and Nut (she was a big girl)

4 WORDS I’VE MADE UP THAT SOUND LIKE THEY MIGHT BE KINKY:

Pungwobbling
Whimquitter
Sutravising
Chennelling

5 OLYMPIC EVENTS THAT NORFOLK WOULD WIN GOLD AT:

Serving people really slowly
Driving really slowly
Voting Conservative
Taking three hours to relate an incident that only took three minutes in the first place.
Leaning on things

6 WORDS I LIKE THAT ALL RHYME, AND EACH OF WHICH HAS ONE LETTER MORE THAN THE PREVIOUS ONE:

Dawn
Shorn
Reborn
Forlorn
Bullhorn
Sweetcorn
　
RC 26-9-11

Conkers/bonkers

Hannah - that strange girl who used to be my annoying sister but is now a likeable human being - is studying hard. This week she is analysing Shakespeare, and keeps asking me for ‘examples of doomed love’ in films and plays that might have been inspired by Romeo and Juliet. I told her the same thing I used to tell her when she was thirteen and pestering me on a Sunday night - “do your own fecking homework”
Don’t tell her I’ve said this, but I’m really pleased the course is going well for her.

I nearly broke my foot this morning when I stood on a conker at the bottom of the stairs. ‘How did this happen?’ you may ask, ‘have you planted a horse chestnut tree in your hallway?‘ No we have not, and just listen to the twisted tale of logic and hearsay that led to this unfortunate, bruising event:
Philippa, it turns out, is terrified of spiders, and has been since she was five, when she had one placed on her face by a rather unpleasant classmate. Recent research has shown, apparently, that spiders in the wild keep away from conkers for some reason that is currently unknown. I believe scientists have tried to find out why, but the spiders are not telling (and who can blame them?) The theory has been put forth that spiders are so repulsed, that they will avoid entering any houses where conkers may be. Thus, arachnophobes country-wide are now picking up conkers and placing them in each room of their house.
Personally I think this story was invented by whoever has to clean up conkers in the wild… Since children have been banned from playing with them, there must be loads of them littering the streets, so rather than pick them up themselves, these lazy sods have made this story up so that people scared of spiders will pick them up instead, and then these lazy sods can put their feet up and relax.

It all sounds a load of old hokum to me, but it did inspire me to write this poem:

If my beloved saw a spider
It would raise a panic inside her
So I get to be her hero every day
By picking up arachnids and taking them away

Imagine being in a relationship where one of you hated spiders and the other was scared of conkers? Now that’s an example of doomed love.

RC 25-9-11

Service with a sniff

My cold has got worse. My head is hot and stuffy. It feels like someone's set fire to some cotton wool and forced it into my sinuses.
I tried to get in to see my doctor but if you’re not bleeding to death or in the throes of a seizure you have to wait three weeks for an appointment. So I decided to call NHS Direct for advice.
That was a mistake.
Someone called ‘Paula’ asked me some questions that seemed completely irrelevant to my medical condition, and then advised me to get plenty of vitamins. I was feeling pissed off and playful by now, so – remembering my last blog - I said “I’ve eaten 3,000 fruit gums today, does that count?” and she replied “Well, that’s better than nothing”
Unbelievable.

RC 24-9-11

Snot and sweets

I have another cold.
My immune system must be about as much use as a chihuahua puppy guard-dog.
Here’s a resultant haiku:

Here we go again
Red, dripping nose; sore pink eyes
And a throat on fire

Fantastic announcement in the papers this week.. Apparently if you eat 195 fruit gums, it counts as one of your recommended 5-a-day portions of fruit and veg. I wonder which confectionary company funded that research? And how exactly would you deal with the mouth ulcers that would come as a result? Not to mention the rotten teeth and diabetes?
And does that mean if I eat enough Wine Gums I’ll get pissed?
So many questions, so little enthusiasm….

RC 22-9-11

Autumn assortments

Well, I’m back.
There was some lovely weather while I was away but I didn’t get a chance to enjoy it. I was locked in a sweaty conference room with lots of management types who were obsessed with “maximising aisle revenue” and “prominent positioning of prime products”
Hellish.
I let my mind wander a lot, and I spent a lot of time thinking about films, and I noticed that a lot of my favourite films have quite short titles. So I present for you:
RORY’S LIST OF THE SIX BEST FILMS WITH SIX-LETTER TITLES:

ALIENS
ARTHUR
CONVOY
FLETCH
GREASE
HARVEY

I also wrote this:
RORY’S LIST OF NAMES THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS IF THEY WERE GENUINE:

Sandy Flaps
Claire Skies
Bob Uppendown
John Flusher
Dusty Minge
Charlie Snorter
Rich Sauce
Jack Yercarrup
Jim Nasium
Belle Ringer

..and I wrote this haiku about my time away:

Boring hotel room.
Even more boring colleagues
What a wasted week.

It’s good to be back.

RC 19-9-11

All's well that something or other

I sent Philippa a text at 11 last night. She replied at ten past. We both apologised. I called her at midnight and we chatted til 2. Then she drove round and was here by 3am. So apart from those wasted few hours last night when the heat increased and the hormones started flying, it should be a good weekend. I hope so, because I’m going away again on Monday. Ginger Graham is speaking at some big industry event in London, and for some reason I’ve got to go with him. It’s a four-day conference where I can ‘meet other people from the company’ and ‘further my understandings of the corporate sale-and-efficiency model‘ and ‘enhance my future chances of inter-company advancement’ or something. I’d stopped listening properly when he got as far as ‘meet other people..’
God, it’s going to be awful.

RC 10-9-11

Compromise or combat?

It all kicked off about the kitchen stuff this evening. As a consequence, this is the first Friday night in ages that Philippa hasn’t stayed over.
We had a big confrontation about an hour ago. She accused me of being childish, I accused her of being selfish; she called me pathetic, I called her pedantic, etc, etc.
The products that caused the problems are from a range called “Jamie At Home.” I remarked “I wish Jamie did stay at pissing home. Then we wouldn’t see him on the frigging telly so much.”
It was her turn to cook, and she used as many Jamie Oliver utensils as possible, waving them towards me as she did so. All very tiring and horrible, really.
She says she doesn’t understand what the issue is, I said that’s because she doesn’t consider other people when she makes her decisions; I refused to eat anything cooked using ‘that mumbling gimboids saucepans’ and Philippa said fine and stormed out, pausing only to tip what would have been my tea into the bin.
Now I am alone in a messy kitchen, wondering whether to stamp my feet and stand my ground on principle, or to back down and shut up for the sake of peace.
Man, I am shit at relationships.

RC 9-9-11

What a difference a day makes

Something has happened that has made me doubt whether Philippa and I are right for each other after all. She has bought some Jamie Oliver kitchen products. She has done this, even though I have made it perfectly clear to her how I feel about him. This feels like a horrible act of betrayal. It feels as if she is totally disinterested in my thoughts and feelings and is just going to live her life however she pleases and I can go to Hell. She has tainted my kitchen with the over-priced merchandise of a man I have grown to hate, and she has lined his already bulging pockets in the process.
I honestly don’t know if we’ll get through this….

RC 8-9-11

Girls stuff

My girlfriends full name
‘Philippa Amy Southland’
Sounds like a theme park

I read that haiku to Philippa this morning. She said that she didn't laugh at jokes about her name when she was 11, she's certainly not going to laugh at them now. Ouch!
I cheered her up by saying “I would happily have your full name tattooed on my body, but the tattooist would probably spell Amy with an 'I' and Southland with a 'W'.”

Hannah is in one of those tearful/angry/female/menstrual moods again. She’s stomping around the house and snapping my head off because I’m not breathing properly or something. I think I'm approaching the point at which "you're my sister and I love you, and I will be supportive and sympathetic" becomes "If this goes on much longer I will kill you"

RC 7-9-11

Oh God, it's Autumn

Cold and darker days
Evenings that arrive too fast.
And far too long nights.

At this time of year
I wish I could hibernate
And wake up in Spring

RC 6-9-11

Best. Lyrics. Ever.

Chatting in the canteen today we were discussing our all-time favourite song lyrics. I think the songwords you like reveal a lot about your personality, so I thought I’d pass the information onto blogworld…
Here are a few of my favourites
with the song they came from in italics..

guys out huntin' and girls doin' likewise
honkin' at the honey in front of you with the light eyes
she turn around to see what you beepin' at
it's like the summer's a natural aphrodisiac
DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince - "Summertime"

I'm sorry
I can't afford a Ferrari
but that don't mean I can't get you there
I guess he's an Xbox
and I'm more an Atari
but you way you play your game ain't fair
Cee-Lo Green - "Forget You"

people tell me it's a sin
to know and feel too much within
still I believe she was my twin
but I lost the ring
she was born in Spring
and I was born too late
blame it all on a simple twist of fate
Bob Dylan - "Simple Twist Of Fate"

She took a moment just to recognise
the man she'd known so well before.
And as he started to apologise
lose any bitterness she bore
She gently put her finger on his lips
to let him know she understood
and with her suitcase standing on the floor
embraced him like a lover would
Human League - "Louise"

Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe i'm too young
to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind
so you never know
Jeff Buckley - "Lover, You Should've Come Over"

RC 5-9-11

Scientific myths

While sitting outside with a can of beer in the sun today, I was thinking about the problem of misinformation on the internet. It’s the greatest learning tool ever invented, but if you use it for research you’re likely to come across a load of old guff written by people with no expertise or knowledge, but a lot of time on their hands and an urgent need to see their name on screen.
So, just for fun, I thought I’d add to the mountain of untruth by making up a few facts of my own:

If you shake a can of Heinz baked beans at just the right speed, for just the right amount of time, when you go to open it it’ll explode in your face.

90% of the fallout from the Hiroshima nuclear bomb landed on the Suffolk town of Ipswich.

Steven Spielberg died in a car crash in 1997. Because his name is worth so much money at the box office, the movie business continues to pretend he is alive and working. The worlds most powerful computer is used to generate his image for interviews, and since his death any film that features his name has actually been directed by Michael Winner.

If you lick the Queen’s face on a ten pound note she will magically grow a moustache.

The Large Hadron Collider is trying to find a more realistic flavour for Fruit Gums.

Jennifer Lopez has no kneecaps.

Any child given the middle name ‘Mitchell’ is almost guaranteed to vote Labour.

If you go without sleep for more than six days you will turn into Barry McGuigan.

Ok, it’s getting silly now. I’m off to cook a pizza.

RC 4-9-11

Splendid start to September

We’ve had two days of glorious weather. Summer has decided to descend on North Norfolk and say “Ha, ha! This is what your days should have been like for the past two months! See you next year (maybe)”
I got to use the sexy little barbecue I bought from Argos. You can tell I’m new at this as it took me two hours to get the charcoal burning. In the end I had to pack the bottom with newspaper, nip to the shop for firelighters, and soak the charcoal in lighter fluid; and it still took me seven attempts to get it going. Then I burnt the sausages. Then I undercooked the chicken drumsticks. Apart from that it was a roaring success.

RC 3-9-11