30/11

The last day of the month, and possibly my last day of employment at the supermarket. I’m a bit nervous I suppose, but I’m not really sure why. I’m sick of the place, and I don’t care if they sack me on the spot, but even so… I might need a reference in the New Year, and I’d rather it didn’t contain the phrase ‘We fired him for attacking a customer.’ Plus, they are genuinely good people on the whole, and I don’t want to leave on bad terms. So a herd of rabid butterflies has decided to nest in my intestines..

To distract me from the imminent disciplinary proceedings, I have returned to my old friend haiku, and present for your enjoyment some Advent-inspired musings…

Will Father Christmas
Bring me all that I ask for?
Or just some more socks?

When my mum was here
Christmas was just about booze
Now it’s about fun

If the myths are true
About Scotland and New Year
I might be ill soon..

O Star of Wonder
Were you a guide to Christ’s bed?
Or just a bright light?

Chestnuts on a fire
Songs that make you feel festive
Cliff Richard is God

I don’t want presents
Just an hour with Girls Aloud
Dressed as Santa’s elves

At this Christmastime
I wish Peace to all, except
Jamie Oliver

RC 30-11-09

Old head, young scamp

Ted and I resumed hostilities on the chessboard today. After a two-week break, it felt good be back in my ‘hobby zone.’ (also known as Ted and Beryl’s living room)
Beryl is all better now, so the Ted-inflicted quarantine is lifted. I asked him straight away “I hope it wasn’t anything serious?”
“Nah,” he said, “she just had a verruca.” and winked. He really is a mischievous old bastard, and I type that with all due respect. We were laughing within minutes of meeting, and I am increasingly glad to be in his company.
Then he nailed my arse to the chessboard again.
I thought hobbies were supposed to be fun?

RC 29-11-09

Rory 3:16

I confronted Nathan about The Bible placement on my pillow. Actually, I confronted Hannah about it once Nathan was safely out of the building and out of earshot, but it’s pretty much the same thing. After all, they spend so much time together at the moment it’s like they’re one entity. It turns out it wasn’t intended for me at all - he gave it to her on Sunday, saying “No pressure, H, I’d just like you to have a look at it.” She looked at it once, then threw it in my room to get rid of it. If he’s looking for a sure-fire way to end their relationship, forcing The Good Book on her is a winner. Still – at least I know he hasn’t got me in his Jesus-shaped crossfires just yet.
Part of me thinks that it’s a shame he’s a real religio, as otherwise he’s a perfectly nice person and good company. But there’s another side that tells me ‘maybe he wouldn’t be so nice if he didn’t have God in his life.’ It’s very confusing, and it’s exactly why I try to avoid religion altogether.

By now, I’ve probably shown up as ‘DISBELIEVER’ on some far-right Christian search site in America. They’re probably plotting to fly to Norfolk and kidnap me, and take me to some church-shaped brainwashing facility in Texas, so I’m going to stop writing about it now and return to searching for porn.

RC 28-11-09

Thank [expletive deleted] It's Friday

At the end of our shift this morning, Dave my manager took me aside and said “I hope the meeting on Monday isn’t going to play on your mind. I’d hate it to ruin your weekend.”
It took me a few seconds to realize what he was talking about before I said “No, it’s ok, I’ll be fine.” It was really hard not to smile.
Why would I be worried when I leave in three weeks anyway? What exactly can they threaten me with that would see me lose sleep or be worried? If I walk in the room and there’s a ducking stool, or a car battery and some electrodes, or an ex-marine in the corner wearing a T-shirt saying “I USED TO WATERBOARD AT GUANTANAMO BAY AND ALL I LEFT WITH WAS THIS BLOOD-STAINED T-SHIRT” I might get a bit concerned, but otherwise…

Ted and I have a big day of chess lined up on Sunday. We haven’t played this week because Beryl’s been ill, and he’s placed his own house under quarantine. He is a character. He put a sign up on the door saying “POSSIBLE SWINE FLU INFECTION – VITAL DELIVERIES ONLY.”
I have a suspicion he may owe some money to the milkman..

RC 27-11-09

Questions, questions, so many questions..

• What would people talk about if they were banned from discussing the weather?
• Why do middle-aged men in pubs spend five pounds on fags and three quid on a pint of beer and then complain that they can’t afford school dinners for their children?
• Why is my hair-line receding faster than Jenson Button in a wind tunnel? Isn’t it enough that I’m overweight, unlovable and uglier than a cross between Princess Anne and a bullock?
• Why does Katie Price have a career?
• Why do women who drive 4x4s in Norfolk assume that everyone else will get off the road for them?
• Why do fat men in their fifties think it’s okay to walk around in a sports vest?
• If we’re really supposed to eat fruit and veg, why don’t they taste like chocolate?
• Where the hell has my sex drive gone?
• Why do ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing, when ‘fat’ and ‘slim’ are opposites?

RC 26-11-09

At least the shift wasn't boring...

I’m in trouble at work. I got into a bit of a fight with a customer, which apparently is a bit of a no-no. It was after my shift, and it was outside in the car park, but it’s still being frowned on by the management. His name is Gordon something-or-other and he was in the year below me at school. Ginger-haired tosser. He was about as popular in class as impetigo.
He came in drunk or stoned at about 3am and recognized me immediately. He kept coming back to my aisle and abusing me, at first showing off to his fat mate, then just doing it for his own amusement. It was annoying rather than hurtful, but then he said “Your sister was a slut as well – she got passed around the school like a rugby ball” so I accidentally dropped a 6-pint pack of milk on his foot. He was right, but you have to defend your family don’t you? He yelped like a kitten with its foot on a pin and then sloped off saying “You’ll get yours, bitch.” I smiled and went back to work, and thought it was all done with, but the idiot sat outside waiting for me. He was still there cold and ugly at 6.30 when I left. He pushed me and said something nonsensical and incoherent, so I gently clattered him across the head, and that was it really. But unfortunately, Jim the over-enthusiastic security guy had seen him loitering outside and was keeping an eye on him. As soon as we scuffled, he piled in like a Hells Angel at a Rolling Stones concert and, of course, I was still in my uniform….
I have a disciplinary meeting on Monday.
I’m hoping they might choose to suspend me…

RC 25-11-09

What the Hell?

Nathan has left a copy of The Bible on my pillow….I’m not sure if he is trying to recruit me, or if he and Hannah were borrowing my bed, and The Good Book is a kinky addition to their foreplay, but either way I’m not happy...

RC 24-11-09

The answer is blowin' in the wind

We had a great conversation during break last night.. Jared was overwhelmed with flatulence and was happily letting rip while everyone was trying to enjoy their soup or fry-up. One of the nicer till girls – a young redhead named Amy – was ranting about men and their gaseous anal expulsions, saying “You’re disgusting. Women only break wind because it’s medically inadvisable to hold it in, and we only ever do it in private. Men will fart anywhere. A man would fart at a funeral. Men love to fart.”
Steve from the warehouse replied “Of course we do – it’s the closest thing we get to childbirth…. Pain – strain – release, then you send them off on their own into the world.”
To which I couldn’t help but add- “And just like children – no-one ever appreciates them as much as you do.”
I will miss our little chats..

RC 20-11-09

The First Line Is A Paradox

Work is beginning to get very busy, but strangely enough, also much easier. They put up the Christmas schedules on the notice board, and my name is conspicuous by its absence with effect from Friday 18th December. I am into my final four weeks of supermarket employment and there is light at the end of the tunnel! They’ve been trying very hard to get me to stay into the New Year, as they need as many capable hands on board as possible, but I’m afraid they’ll have to rely on scummy careless temp staff, like what I was last year. (The ‘scummy, etc’ comment was a direct quote from a manager, by the way, not my personal reflections on those involved in temporary employment) I don’t see why I should ruin my own yuletide festivities just because they’re too busy to cope, and too tight to hire enough staff to cover it.
Sorry if this is all a bit rambly and incoherent, I’m buzzing from too much caffeine and my fingers are finding it hard to keep up with my thought processes, and I can’t be bothered to check and edit this so it’ll just be posted as-it-is when I’m finished, regardless of grammatical errors or abandonment of language structure.
I wonder if I can get funding to carry out research based on the correlation between caffeine intake and ability to communicate effectively?
I need to lie down now, I have a headache.

RC 19-11-09

reflections on a beau

Hannah’s boyfriend Nathan seems to be having an effect on her.
She seems to be more considerate and understanding and, quite frankly, less of a bitch. She doesn’t use all the hot water when she’s getting ready for work, and it must be a fortnight since she used my Mach3 razor on her leg hairs.
If they stay together, it’ll be a curious thing to observe and see who wins out. Will his Christian ways affect her and make her more spiritual, understanding and compassionate? Or will the lure of hedonism triumph, and see him join her in a life of indulgence, sin and debauchery?
Sophie called today and asked if I’d like to spend Christmas in Edinburgh. She said how nice it has been to be in contact again, and she would love to spend part of Christmas with her family. She can’t have much time off work though so asked if Hannah and I might be available to go up there. I said it sounds fantastic, but it depends what Hannah’s boyfriend says, as she’s started dating Jesus, and it may be a busy time for him..

RC 18-11-09

Update

I confronted Ted about his comments. He said it was just a joke.
That’s a relief.
He got me in Checkmate within 12 moves.
I hate him.

RC 16-11-09

I want the truth..

I've decided to ask Ted if he was serious about cheating on Beryl. Partly because I want to get the constant images of septuagenarian sex out of my head, but also because I like them both as friends, and I'd rather him not confess things to me that might make me feel awkward when I'm talking to her. Through all their squabbles over the Summer, I tried to stay as neutral as possible, but on occasions when I was caught in the crossfire, I did tend to land on Ted's side of the situation. I don't want her seeing me as an ally to her husband, rather than a friend to them both. Mind you, it was Beryl who asked me to go round more often, and Beryl who suggested we meet up for chess, so it could be that I'm concerned over nothing.

Incidentally, isn't it telling that FRIEND and FIEND are only one letter apart? Or maybe it's just me..

RC 15-11-09

Playing Away?

Ted was away last week for an Armed Forces Remembrance Service somewhere, so I didn't get my usual Sunday afternoon beating at the chessboard. When he told me he wouldn't be home at the weekend, I jovially asked "Seeing a fancy woman, you old rouge?" to which he replied, very earnestly, "Well, you know what they say.. When the hens aren't laying at home, you've got to get your eggs from somewhere."
It's been bothering me ever since. Firstly, because the thought of Ted still having an active sex life fills me with disgust, jealousy and hope in equal measures, and that's confusing me. Secondly, I don't like it when people tell me intimate secrets, I find it discomforting and unsettling. If I had wanted to hear confessions, I'd have trained to become a priest. And thirdly, Beryl is lovely and I'd hate to think of Ted being unfaithful at anytime in their long marriage, much less now after all she put up with over the Summer. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, but at least it shows I care, I suppose, which shows that my horrendous experiences with my mother haven't totally destroyed my capabilities for familial feelings.
Anyway, on a lighter note - what sexual enjoyment does a monk get?
None.
(It sounds better when you say it out loud)

RC 14-11-09

Turn up for the books

Our phone line at home has been buggered. Apparently an engineer from a certain telecommunications company chopped through some cables while updating an exchange to take broadband, so I haven't been posting any blog stuff. Sorry. I could have used the PC at work, but it's 'abusing company property' and I'd like to get to the end of the year without a warning. And I didn't want to use the computer at the library because you have to wait two hours to get on it, I always end up sitting next to an asthmatic incontinent, and you're blocked from most worthwhile sites anyway. Still, here I am, with a few things to report from our time apart... Mainly:
Hannah's new boyfriend is a Christian! And not just a 'Yeah I read the Bible once and had RE lessons at school' one, but a full-blooded, dyed-in-the-wool-of-God, practising, scripture quoting True Believer. It's weird. It's so long since I've been around someone religious that I've just had to look up the spelling of the word 'devout.' No pun intended, but God knows how he ended up with Hannah. I love my sister, but the Virgin Mary she ain't, not by a long shot. I normally try to avoid the complexities of my younger sister's lovelife, but this could be about to get interesting..

RC 13-11-09

Up?

I think I’m feeling better. I’m not sure whether the pills have given me a kick up the arse, or whether the mere act of admitting I was in trouble and going to see the doctor has lifted me, but I’ve definitely turned a corner. When I wake up, I can just get out of bed without feeling ill, or like I haven’t slept. I can think about menial tasks without them seeming like a marathon through jelly, and I can look ahead to future events without thinking of nine different ways they’re going to go wrong and kill me.

I’m still getting thrashed at chess whenever I visit Ted, but you can’t have everything.

RC 6-11-09

Sledging

Ted thinks it’s hilarious that our door was set fire to this week.
He asked if I’ve upset anyone locally who might have decided to target us, as most of our closest neighbours had no problems. He seems to have missed the fact that we’re the only ones without an airport strength spotlight above our door, so we had the only path dark enough for the hoodlums to work in without detection.
That’s the worst thing about this whole incident, by the way, the fact that I keep using words like ‘hoodlums.’ I don’t want to call them perpetrators because it’ll just sound like I watch CSI:Miami. Someone’s coming out tomorrow to assess whether we need a new door, or whether it just needs a paint job. Then we can forget it and move on, and Ted can stop making jokes about it at our expense.
Anyway, I don’t think Ted really finds it funny – I think he was just winding me up to distract me and stop me concentrating on our latest chess game. I seem to be improving and I think he’s starting to find his superiority threatened. Maybe, if I keep studying and practicing, I’ll beat him before Christmas.
And while I’m making these wild guesses, maybe we’ll have a decent candidate in next year’s elections, maybe I’ll find someone to love me before I die miserable and alone, and maybe I’ll start pissing pounds and shitting jewellery.
Pardon the language.

RC 5-11-09

Newsflash!

David Blaine - the American illusionist/magician/weirdo - has announced what his next great ‘challenge’ will be… He’s going to spend the rest of his life stuck up his own arsehole.

RC 5-11-09

Victims

We weren’t the only ones who suffered property redecoration attacks last night. Someone’s fence was pushed over, and old Mrs Norris had her bin set fire to. She called the police and asked them to come out and investigate what she referred to as ‘dangerous and malicious vandalism.’ They said they were too busy, and that she shouldn’t worry as it just sounded like a case of ‘over-enthusiastic joviality.’
Maybe they should be looking for Ken Dodd.

RC 3-11-09

Bonfire Night comes early

Some little shit set fire to our front door last night. Apparently it’s an old Halloween favourite in some parts – spraying lighter fluid all over people’s property and then throwing a burning rag at it. Typical of our local twats to do it two days late. The usual thing to do is knock on the door just before you ignite it, so that the unsuspecting resident opens the door to be greeted by flames, but our local hooligans are so thick they didn’t even think of doing that. They just lit it and ran. The first we knew of it was the sound of one of our neighbours beating it out with a wet coat. He’d noticed the flames while out with his kids trick-or-treating and thankfully knew what to do. The imbeciles responsible weren’t sensible enough to do the job properly so there wasn’t much damage. I’ll be on the phone to the insurance company later, assuming we actually have some insurance. I must admit it’s one of the things I didn’t think to check when mother pissed off. Mind you, we rent, so I think it’s the responsibility of the landlord. But I’m not sure who that is. Oh well – someone’s gonna get a phone call. And if I find out who set fire to our door I’m gonna nail them to a Catherine Wheel and throw darts at them while they spin and burn.

RC 3-11-09